If a person hasn’t had sex in a long time, how can they prepare for a new sexual relationship?

Reviewed by the medical professionals of the ISSM’s Communication Committee

New relationships can be exciting, but if you haven’t had sex in a while, you might feel a bit apprehensive about the “first time” with your new partner. The following slides offer some points to consider.

Communicate

If you’re feeling nervous, don’t hesitate to tell your partner. Chances are, they will reassure you.

You and your new partner should also discuss the following:

Consent. Do you both agree on taking this step in your relationship?
Sexual history. Have you or your partner had any experiences with sexually-transmitted infections (STIs)?
Safe sex practices. How will you negotiate the use of condoms and dental dams?
STI testing. Will each of you undergo STI testing and share your results?
Birth control. What form of birth control will you use, if necessary? Who will be responsible for it? What steps will you take if there is an unplanned pregnancy?
Pacing. Will you be more comfortable if your sexual relationship progresses slowly?

Reacquaint yourself with your body

Your body may have changed since the last time you were sexually active. You might be older, or health conditions like diabetes or heart disease might have changed the way your body responds sexually.

Try masturbating and get to know your body again. You might discover that you enjoy different forms of touch now.

Considerations for older people

If you’re a woman past menopause, your vagina might be shorter, drier, and narrower than it was before “the change.” That’s because your body produces less estrogen, a hormone that helps keep vaginal tissue healthy. And it can make sex uncomfortable. (Learn more about genitourinary syndrome of menopause.)

Before you start a sexual relationship, try using a vibrator to increase blood flow to your genitals. You might also use vaginal dilators to stretch the vagina and help it get used to penetration again.

Vaginal moisturizers, lubricants, and medications can be used to treat vaginal dryness. Ask your gynecologist about the best product for you.

Older men might find that their sexual function has changed, too. It might take more time to get an erection. The likelihood of erectile dysfunction (ED) increases with age, too.

For more information on topics discussed above, please see the links below. Your healthcare provider can also answer your questions.

What is genitourinary syndrome of menopause (GSM)?

What is a lubricant?

Why is vaginal lubrication important for women?

What are vaginal dilators?

Does a man’s penis change as he gets older?

Resources